john hughes did not direct my life

ten years ago i was 24. in 2016, i was running around various parts of southern california — fullerton, anaheim, studio city, hollywood, burbank, and the valley. the nights consisted of late-night drinking or late-night hangs at bob’s big boy, gossiping over breakfast at 2 a.m. or grilled cheese sandwiches. during those days, i remember thinking about what my life would look like now.

i thought that by the time i reached my mid-thirties, i would be happily married in a house that finally felt like home, with animals running around and sipping a glass of wine on the deck. but life has a funny way of unfolding differently than what we envision when we are younger.

i remember when i first moved to nashville, i knew a handful of people, including some family. three months after moving here, a tornado hit, then covid, and then a bomb went off two miles from my apartment. i didn’t know i would experience the trifecta of natural(ish) disasters, but holy shit, i did. i also learned that adulting was not as glamorous and fun as i thought it would be. in fact, it was the complete opposite. suddenly i was learning how to budget rent, groceries, bills, cat needs, etc.- all things i had never really learned how to do before, or was prepared for.

adulthood is grieving relationships (romantic and friendly) while still having to answer emails. it’s figuring out how to grocery shop and meal prep for one person rather than picking up something at the store for your mom to make for everyone later. it’s sitting in your car before work while crying and needing to pull it together because you have a presentation in 13 minutes. it’s not seeing your friends from home as often as you’re used to, and saving for a flight to make it possible.

somewhere along the way, life started looking different not just for me, but for my friends too. some of them are now getting engaged, married, or raising children and packing their lunches for school while i’m over here scolding roary for trying to eat plastic.

i spent so much time in my twenties thinking about how adulthood was this polished destination with KT Tunstall’s “suddenly i see” playing in the background (iykyk). but no, John Hughes sadly did not direct my life.

as time continues to go by, i have learned that no one really knows what the fuck they are doing either. we are all truly winging it when it comes to certain things. some people are just way better at hiding it than others. we are all carrying our grief, anxieties, insecurities, and secrets differently than the person next to us. we are all trying to build lives that are meaningful while still mourning the person we thought we would become by now.

so even though it’s just me and my two cats, i am learning to love the adult that i am still learning to become every day.