tell me lies (katie’s version)

content warning: this post discusses emotional and mental abuse, manipulation, and suicidal threats. please read with care.

if you are someone who doesn’t watch the hulu show tell me lies, here is a short description for you. the show follows a toxic, on-and-off college relationship between lucy and stephen. it begins with intense chemistry and slowly unravels into manipulation and emotional control. the series explores how lies, obsession, and blurred boundaries can distort your sense of love and yourself. as the show gained momentum, i saw a lot of myself in lucy and that brought out something in me to want to share my own story.

in 2018–2019, i went through one of the worst relationships i have ever been in. it wasn’t just toxic. it was mental and emotional abuse from a narcissistic manipulator. thankfully, my experience is not as fucked up as lucy’s was, but it was traumatizing enough that it’s still something i am dealing with 6–7 years later.

during that year, i hit a low i had never experienced before. i grew up watching my older sister in a very loving and healthy relationship, while also seeing the same with my parents. i understand that relationships always have flaws, but this wasn’t that for me.

what made it so confusing was how small some of the moments seemed at first.

one time, JM was driving my car and accidentally backed it up into his neighbor’s car. it was a very light tap, but a tap nonetheless, with people outside who did see it happen. i suggested leaving a note, explaining that while we saw no damage with a flashlight since it was late, we would check again in the morning. i clearly said the wrong thing. the next thing i knew, i was being screamed at and berated. the bump was my fault, even though i wasn’t driving, i was the “fucked up” one for “making it a bigger deal than it needed to be.”

that became a pattern.

on another occasion, i asked why he was spying on his dad in the front yard. that resulted in him hitting the wall by my face and screaming at me that i was “being fucking nosey” and needed to “mind my own business.”

another time, he came with me to pick up my birthday cake. when i said i was running into the store and would be right out, that turned into me “wasting” his “fucking time.” i was inside for maybe 45 seconds.

over the summer of 2019, i went to visit one of my best friends, BD, and skipped class to spend the weekend with her. he told me to “go have fun,” but the minute i arrived, he started calling me obsessively and screaming at me on the phone about how “fucking irresponsible” i was.

another time, we were on vacation for a country concert in mexico. i was wearing shorts with a t-shirt and a zip-up jacket. apparently another guy was watching me, something i didn’t even notice, and that resulted in the silent treatment for the rest of the night.

he also called me a “motherfucker” when i told him i did not want to work at the same restaurant as him.

individually, these moments don’t sound extreme. together, they created a constant feeling that i was always doing something wrong, even when i wasn’t doing anything at all.

when i finally gained the strength to walk away, i felt like the worst person on the planet, even though i knew i did not want to be in that relationship anymore. when the breakup happened, i received suicide threats saying he was standing on a local hospital building and was going to jump.

by then, i didn’t trust my own reactions anymore.

these are only a few examples from that year, but i share them because this show captures something people often don’t understand.

so many people are quick to judge and tell someone being abused to “just leave.” that is not how it works. when you are in situations like this, you lose your sense of direction. you know something is wrong, but fear takes over. the fear of being alone feels louder than everything else. it becomes almost preconditioned. even when you know you deserve better, you don’t believe it applies to you.

i remember sobbing on my bathroom floor to one of my best friends, KW. she kept telling me to leave, and all i could say was, “i can’t. i can’t. i can’t.” even though i wanted to with everything in my body. the chaos in relationships like this changes your nervous system in ways that are hard to explain. you can hate it, know it’s unhealthy, and still feel attached. still feel like you need it.

after i left, i felt low. i replayed the apologies i made for things that never deserved one. i thought about what i overlooked: my phone being searched multiple times a day, the lying, the manipulation, the gaslighting, the way some of his friends and family were turned against me. all of it stayed with me and deeply affected my self-worth and confidence as well as other relationships that came after.

i am not religious, but there were nights i prayed to die in a car accident because i felt that insignificant and incredibly lost.

i am not writing this for pity or attention. i am writing it because watching lucy drown in her own, and worse, version of this while reading comments tearing her apart made me want to stand up for her. even if she’s fictional.

for the few of you that knew what was going on and witnessed it, thank you for being my support system during that time. to those that got to know me after, thank you for having patience with me when i get shut down at any sort of potential conflict, or when i consistently apologize in situations that don’t warrant it. i hope this helps people in my life better understand where a huge piece of my anxiety comes from, and know that it is something i work on every day to manage. i love you all.

xo