i can do it with a broken heart

for as long as i can remember, i have always believed in love.

i believe that love means continuing to choose that one person every day, even on the hard ones. i believe love isn’t about chasing a spark, but about also building on it every single day through small moments and commitment. when love feels steady and safe (or boring to others)- that’s when you know it’s rare, beautiful, and something worth continuing to fight for. it’s a relationship with your best friend that you also think is hot.

i think when it comes to relationships, there is always one breakup that changes you forever. the kind that rewires your entire nervous system in a way that’s impossible to explain. suddenly you feel completely shut down, and more guarded. in some cases, the impact isn’t just emotional, but it’s also physical.

last year i went through a breakup, and there were moments i truly didn’t believe i would make it through. i was under so much emotional stress that it affected my heartbeat for a few weeks. my doctor said i was experiencing takotsubo cardiomyopathy. most people know it as “broken heart syndrome”. to the world it has a poetic name, but in reality it was terrifying to be experiencing. my chest hurt. my heart raced nonstop. i was having trouble breathing. it felt like i was going to have a heart attack. thankfully, i wasn’t. 

having to wake up and go through a “new normal” every day was a challenge. the amount of times that i would redo my makeup in the morning was frustrating. the constant puffy eyes and headaches. the memories of times with this person flooded my mind, and i did not know how to make it stop. i wanted and needed it to end. as time went by, i felt like i was in a consistent never ending daze. I had questions that were left unanswered. I started to question myself and whether I meant anything at all. I was lost in the endless loop of wondering how so much time passed with this person for it to just end, or what I could have done better, and then I suddenly would realize I had completely zoned out—sitting on my balcony for over an hour and just staring into space. a breakup feels like grieving someone who is still alive. they’re out there somewhere living their life that you were a part of, but in your world and in your “new normal”, they’re suddenly just gone.

as time moves on, so do you… even though a piece of you doesn’t want to or feel ready yet. you begin to find small pieces of happiness that slowly make you start smiling again. you start walking outside for fresh air. eventually, your appetite comes back. sleeping medicine slowly becomes unnecessary. you stop crying 24/7 and the sad breakdowns start to limit themselves to only the evenings as the memories spin through your brain. i was in survival mode and all i could focus on was making it through the next hour. then it turned into just making it through the day- and eventually all the days started adding up.

thinking back about this time feels like a blur with some parts i don’t even remember. i used to love airports, now i hate them. restaurants i used to once love are places i now avoid. i also didn’t think that the weekends would turn into the worst part of the week. bands i listened to for years have since been deleted from my music library because their love songs remind me of that person. i faked it until i made it- because as much as i did not want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or do anything i had to. i work two jobs that depend on me, and i have to show up for my responsibilities.

thank god i work with and was surrounded by so many incredible friends who understood my crying breakdowns as they were happening (sometimes the moments were not ideal), friends who would spend hours listening to me be sad on the phone, as well as my gym trainer who knew why i was running with tears falling down. pushing through emotional pain is just as hard as pushing through physical pain. it isn’t something i would ever wish on anyone, even though it is a part of life we all experience at some point.

eventually somewhere along the way, you realize you’re still doing it. you’re still waking up. still working. still living your life even when your heart feels completely shattered… and that’s when you realize something: you can do anything with a broken heart.